Forever and Always Read online

  Every time that I’ve confronted Katie about it, she denies that she ever abandoned me.”

  I replied, “if Katie and these so-called friends just left you for dead, what the hell are you doing at their party?”

  Georgia felt awkward and tried to rationalise it, “I don’t know… she’s still my friend at the end of the day and we get on.”

  “But how could you be friends with that? A friend is someone who looks out for you and ensures your emotional and physical safety…not someone who leaves you on the side of the road like some piece of garbage.” I said.

  Georgia seemed to grow emotional. She raised her voice and said, “it’s not like that! Look, friendships are more complicated than what just one measly incident allows for. Let’s just leave it at that and drop the subject, hm?”

  So I did. I didn’t say anything and neither did she. We sat there in silence in the black of night, our breaths coming out from our mouths visibly in the stark cold.

  “I just don’t get you, Georgia” I said quietly under my breath.

  “Huh?”

  “You. I don’t get you.” I repeated.

  “You don’t get me? What’s there to get?” She asked a little annoyed.

  “I know nothing about you. Every time I think I understand something about you, you do something which leads me to a different way of thinking.”

  “Well maybe don’t think about me then.” She said.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  “Why do you care about who or what I am?” She asked.

  “Because ever since we met, I can’t get you out of my mind. I want to know who you really are.” I stated trying to demonstrate a semblance of some sort of compassion. Georgia got herself up and looked down at me. “Why? Everything has to make sense to you, doesn’t it? You overthink everything. Why can’t you just enjoy life without always asking the big questions? You’re so goddamn intense all the time! You say you keep trying to work me out… well don’t! I’m nothing.

  I’m just a trashy girl who does trashy things. I’ve got nothing. You can judge me all you want with your snobbery and you can think you’re better than me because you don’t drink and are such a goody goody but guess what, I don’t need someone like you to tell me that I have bad friends and that I’m an overall piece of sh*t. I knew that already.”

  I looked into her eyes as she finished shouting. “Where did that all come from? I never said you were a piece of sh*t. You really think I would have picked you up from the roadside and looked after you if that’s what I thought about you? Really Georgia?”

  Georgia said, “well I don’t need your charity if all you want is to boost your own ego by judging the way I live my life.”

  “I never meant to come across like that. I’ve clearly made an assumption which is wrong but I’m sorry.” I said.

  Georgia laid back into the hammock and sighed breathily. “Yeah well I did too.”

  “You did?” I asked confused.

  “Yeah, I made the mistake of inviting you tonight.” She said.

  I was hurt by her words and in a way, I could completely understand that it wasn’t my position to try and be there for her.

  “All I’m saying Georgia is that you deserve better. You’re not a piece of sh*t.” I said calmly.

  Georgia remained silent. I stood up abruptly and wiped the grass and residue off of my clothes.

  “I’m going to take off now…. goodnight Georgia.”

  The night came to a close. I returned home and processed everything. I lay in bed that night regretting what an absolute idiot I had been. All I wanted was to reach out a hand to someone who seemed like they needed a friend but instead, I was pretentious and judgmental. My head was pulsating and I cringed hard just thinking about what had been said.

  I should have handled the situation so much differently. Georgia was a damaged soul and clearly was dealing with a lot. I was sure she had a wonderful heart but had just been bruised and battered by others one too many times. Maybe even five or six times too many. But the bottom line remained that I never meant to upset or offend her. That would never be my intention. I am not, nor ever will be that kind of girl.

  I tried to forget it, I really did but it kept haunting me. I was too scared to text her so I fell asleep and left things up in the air with Georgia. I went about my life as usual and as normal, my work was piling up.

  The events that occurred that evening with Georgia took a big hit on my self-esteem. I began questioning if the way I acted towards her is precisely the reason why I find it so arduous to make friends. Was she right? Am I a ‘holier than though’ type? I have tried my whole life to steer clear of being that kind of person and now it’s dawned upon me that despite my best efforts, I have become that which I sought to prevent at all costs.

  4

  Regret is a Six Letter Word

  A week and a half flew by in the midst of a terrible depressive period. I was losing my confidence and honestly, all I really wanted to do was apologise to Georgia and maybe do something to make her happy. I distinctly remember that on the following Thursday at around nine o’clock at night, I built up the inner strength to text Georgia. I could no longer leave the situation hanging and even though there was always that possibility that she did not care about me or what happened that evening, I did care and wanted to let her know at my own expense.

  So there I was, laying on my back in bed. I asked her if she would be interested in meeting up to talk things through. I added that the drinks would be on me. I didn’t get a reply straight away and the fact that below my message it said ‘read at 9:33pm’ made me grow with increasing anxiety. I waited and waited but still there was no answer from her. Evidently, she saw my message but opted to not give me anything back.

  My mind proceeded to play its old tricks on me. I overthought every possible negative scenario and played back the memories of that awful icy night at Katie’s house. Georgia didn’t deserve the way I treated her and I should have been more sensitive. I know this sounds repetitive but these thoughts persisted to drive me crazy.

  At last, half way through the night at one o’clock in the morning, Georgia replied back with ‘Sure, are you free tomorrow?’

  We exchanged a couple of texts to arrange a time and so I prepared to meet her the following morning at that same coffee house that we had initially met at. I was very excited because although I was extremely nervous, in my eyes this was the perfect opportunity to apologise and if given the chance, start over.

  I didn’t sleep a wink and I rehearsed the things I wanted to say to her when I saw her. Do you ever anticipate something so much that it becomes the bane of your existence, even for a short while? It’s like an intense rush of energy which is bittersweet. On the one hand, a sort of positive excitement fills you but on the other, you can’t breathe because the intensity turns into panic and you are no longer sure how you are supposed to react or even function until the anticipated event takes place.

  Still, I tried to force myself to get even a couple of hours of kip. All-nighters have never been something worth pursuing. The grogginess that is felt in the morning can be likened to dragging a dead animal tied to your waist for the day. Oh and not to mention to frustrating migraines which follow. Even worse than those two aspects is the effect of caffeine.

  When you pull an all-nighter, caffeine isn’t a remedy for fatigue. Instead, you feel just as tired as before but now, you have a rapid heart rate too. Throw in some high level anxiety into the cocktail and you have yourself a pretty hellish day.

  Nonetheless, I failed miserably to get any sleep and the aforementioned scenario was bound to be my fate that day as a result. Instead of getting some needed shut-eye, I ended up staring at my phone screen scrolling through pointless musings on the internet and counting down the hours until I had to start getting ready. We had agreed to meet at ten.

  When eight o’clock struck, I got myself out of bed which served as nothing more than a couch for
that night. As predicted, I felt like absolute death. It was worth the agony though. I was finally going to get the chance to tell Georgia the things that I needed to.

  I arrived at the coffee house moments before ten o’clock and took a good look around to try and spot her. She wasn’t there yet. I didn’t put my order in and took a seat in a vacant chair by the entrance. Repeatedly checking my phone, I simultaneously glanced up at every person who walked through in hopes that it would be her. Ten whole minutes went by and I felt a sense of impending doom. I was worried that Georgia wouldn’t show.

  “Maybe this is how she was getting revenge?” I thought irrationally. Thankfully though, only seconds later, that gorgeous girl that made my heart race walked through the door.

  Stunning doesn’t quite cut it. She was breath-taking. As cliche and soppy as it sounds, sometimes we employ a higher view of a person who we haven’t seen for a while. A mental picture which is almost always undoubtedly an exaggerated representation of the true likeness of said individual. But in this case, it was completely spot on.

  You tell yourself that surely nobody could be that beautiful, but I swear on all the deities in the universe that Georgia was.

  When she came through the door, she didn’t smile. She was expressionless, almost expecting something out of me. For now, I just said hi. She said it back and we ordered our drinks. Once I paid, she thanked me and we walked to the back of the shop where we sat. Nobody was around us which made the situation much more facile.

  Nothing was said for a few moments as we both stared into our mugs as if we were some kind of expert coffee readers.

  Georgia took the first step. “So here we are. What made you text me?”

  “I really really wanted to apologise for my behaviour the other night. I was out of line to talk to you like that. All I wanted was to protect you and ensure you weren’t going to get hurt.”

  Georgia broke her poker face and I could see a hint of a smile coming along, “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have judged you either and I know you meant well.”

  “Alright so I answered your question, I have one for you too.” I started.

  Georgia sipped her drink looking intrigued.

  I continued, “what made you agree to come here?”

  “I gave a lot of thought to what you said the other day and I wanted to know why exactly you care so much about me? We hardly know each other and yet, there you are trying to be my friend and at every turn, you try to help me.” She said.

  “Yeah but nobody forced you to accept that friendship. If you want me to go then I can be out of your life. You aren’t under some contractual obligation to know me.” I answered.

  “Did I say I didn’t like it?” Georgia asked.

  “Well it’s strongly implied. Do you want me as a friend?” I posed the question.

  “I do want you as a friend but I guess the reason I agreed to come today is…for whatever reason…I can’t get you off my mind.” She said embarrassed.

  “Really? If I’m honest, I think about you a lot too.” I admitted.

  Georgia moved her bangs out of her face and we sat without further exchanging any words for a few moments. She then broke the silence, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never had anyone look out for me the way that you have and it’s kind of nice having someone like you that doesn’t use me as some sort of prop for their social life.”

  “You know I’d never do that Georgia. Listen, the other day when I said what I said, it was simply because… how do I put this? You don’t need people who treat you like that. You can break this cycle that you’re in and it’s frustrating to watch because from the second I first lay eyes on you, I could just tell that you weren’t happy. You are this amazing girl and you clearly have a lot to give. But you hold yourself back.

  You shouldn’t have those influences in your life that don’t reflect what you deserve. Now I don’t mean to be all preachy again and I am aware that I don’t know your life but heck, you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.” I said.

  Georgia’s eyes lit up and so did her heart. In that moment, she was transparent. Nobody had told her this before and a part of me knew that I was supposed to be the friend she never had.

  I continued, “I think that if you just gave me a chance to be there for you, you wouldn’t be sorry.”

  She smiled at me so sweetly. Her eyes were glistening and she muttered, “thank you.”

  I reached out and held her hand. She held mine too and she shared in an indulgent moment of pure connection. It was honestly the most gratifying sensation I had felt in years.

  “Adrienne, can I ask you something?” Georgia said.

  I nodded.

  “Do you want to know why I’m like this?” She asked.

  I did not fully comprehend her question and I added, “like what, Georgia?”

  “Why I’m always trying to blend in. Why I’m unhappy and hang out with the wrong crowd.” She said. At this point, her eyes no longer shone and her smile dropped to a sort of dismayed regard.

  She carried on, “you’re right about what you said. I guess the other night when I retaliated, it was out of a place of fear. I saw myself in the words you said, Adri.

  I’ve never had anyone, ever. It’s not that I grew up in a broken home or anything. I was just never given the attention that any kid deserves. I have a three older siblings and they got all the attention. When it came to me, I was just told to keep my head down. My father was always off on business, my mother was busy making sure we all stuck to our schedules. My parents always wanted us to be successful and they always made sure we stayed in line. Funny how the simple concept of love can be lost within all of that.

  It’s in my soul to be alone. I didn’t have friends because everyone resented me. I was overshadowed by the accomplishments and popularity of the others. So I became the bad girl. The rebellious plonker who persistently aggravated the other kids in class and the teachers themselves no less. My parents were called in so many times and my word were they not proud of me.

  When I was sixteen I knew I had to clear up my act. You know how rough the real world is. You can be as ‘cool’ as you like in school and you can muck around but the minute that you watch your classmates graduate high school and that last school bell rings, you’re on your own. I was aware of such a potential reality so I stuck my heads between books and I focused. My parents were still skeptical though. There was so much water under the bridge that even though I was improving, they’d still give me the odd nick around the ear or telling off for no apparent reason. It breaks you, it really does.

  “What does?” I asked.

  She said, “to finally be trying with all your might and all of the brain power within you but to still be put down. It took it out of me. The only person who had faith in me was my nan. She was my best friend and my only friend, truth be told. From a young age, when the world shut me out, she would always bring me in and take care of me. She’d say, “Georgia, you’re going to make something of yourself and come back and buy me a Twingo.”

  That was her favourite car for whatever reason and until the age of eighteen, I was motivated by her words, her belief in me. That’s why I’m here at university. For her and to make her proud. I don’t want to be trapped in this misery. No. I want to prove everyone wrong. I’ve always wanted to make something of myself so I could go back and say that I did it. That I made it on my own with the nicker of someone else’s fortune.

  Only problem is, the minute I started university, nan passed. She never will get to see me graduate. There was so much left unsaid. I wish I could talk to her now to thank her for standing by me all these years and giving me the one thing I couldn’t even give myself: hope. I wish I could tell her that I love her and how much I miss her but unfortunately, heaven doesn’t have a phone. So I came to university thinking all would be fine but it wasn’t. I was so lonely that there were so many nights that all I thought about was topping myself.

&nb
sp; To cope, I got into the wrong groups of friends and started to make myself believe they gave two tosses about me. They don’t. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” Georgia had tears in her eyes and as she finished her sentence, one escaped and rolled down her cheek.

  “Well I do know why you’re telling me this.” I whispered.

  “You do?” She asked.

  “Yes. Because we were meant to meet each other Georgia. Everything you just said about being alone and not finding a place of belonging even amongst your own family is how I feel on the daily. And I can say ‘snap’ to the loss of your grandmother. I lost my best friend when I started here too: my old man.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Georgia said.

  “No Georgia, I’m the one who is sorry. You clearly have been through a lot but look at you now. Your nan wouldn’t want you to be crying. She would want you to smile because you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. And you know how you said that you wanted to prove everyone wrong. You already have. You just can’t see beyond that specs of darkness clouding your sight.”